


guardian angel

by sxftmelody



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-21 16:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18705925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sxftmelody/pseuds/sxftmelody
Summary: Jinsol’s mother tells her to stay away from the little girl with the bright red backpack.…Naturally, Jinsol immediately wants to become her friend.





	guardian angel

**Author's Note:**

> i woke up at four in the morning and got this idea in my head so i had to write it and i spent six hours straight working on this while listening to the same album on repeat.
> 
> the album is 'brent' by chelsea cutler and jeremy zucker. 
> 
> 'please' and 'you were good to me' are my personal favorites.

**_please don’t leave me here, i don’t know where my heart is._ **

 

 

 

 

 

—

 

 

 

 

 

The animosity between Jinsol and Jungeun’s parents has always been a thing—something about Jungeun’s father disliking Jinsol’s father, something about their mothers having been sworn enemies in high school, something that Jinsol’s never bothered asking about and something that her parents never bothered explaining.

 

“Keep clear of that girl, Jinsol,” her mother says while nodding her head towards the small girl who Jinsol had just walked out of school with.

 

Jinsol blinks, “Why, mom?”

 

She knows the girl. Her name’s Jungeun and she’s in Jinsol’s class. She complimented Jungeun’s backpack earlier that day.

 

“Because I said so,” her mother replies with a certain edge to her tone. She puts her hand on Jinsol’s back and leads her towards the car, “Come on. Are you hungry?”

 

“Yeah!” The six year old Jinsol grins widely.

 

-

 

Normally, Jinsol would forget what her mother told her seconds after her mother telling her, but something about the way she’d talked about Jungeun stuck in her mind for many years after that. It was as if Jungeun had personally done something wrong to her mother.

 

Six year old Jinsol is curious, though—so, six year old Jinsol walks straight up to Jungeun the following day at snack time and sits down next to her.

 

Jungeun stares wide-eyed over at the other girl.

 

“I have animal crackers,” Jinsol says with a smile, reaching grubby hands into her blue bag and pulling out the little box of animal crackers, “do you want some?”

 

Jungeun’s one of the quieter kids, but Jinsol doesn’t mind.

 

With a timid nod, Jungeun gives her answer and Jinsol’s smile brightens.

 

She shifts the animal crackers towards Jungeun, the two of them sharing the box between them with Jinsol doing most of the talking. Jungeun listens with nods and small comments here and there as Jinsol tells various stories about anything and everything she can talk about.

 

-

 

It’s a secret that Jinsol and Jungeun can’t be seen together once class ends. Jinsol runs ahead of the line to get away from Jungeun at the end of the day to avoid confrontation with her mother. She doesn’t miss the way Jungeun’s eyebrows would furrow together at her eagerness to get away, but she doesn’t say anything to Jungeun regarding it.

 

Even six year old Jinsol is rational enough to not tell Jungeun about her mother’s words. It’d hurt her, she thinks, and the last thing Jinsol wants to do is hurt her new friend.

 

—

 

This strictly-in-school friendship continues for a few more years. She and Jungeun end up going to the same elementary school and they have all of their classes from second grade up to fifth grade together—but even during first grade, Jinsol would find Jungeun sat against the school’s brick wall at recess and sit with her the entire time.

 

Jungeun doesn’t grow out of her shyness and Jinsol’s been asked plenty of times by the other kids why she’s even friends with Jungeun, but Jinsol gets protective over the younger girl.

 

-

 

Jinsol ends up getting recess taken away from her for a week because some kid had taken Jungeun’s juice box and Jinsol, in all of her over-protective glory, pushed him off of his seat and gave the juice box back to its rightful owner.

 

Needless to say, Jinsol’s parents aren’t very happy with her.

 

“Now why would you do that, Jinsol?” her father asks with a frown as the three of them are sat in the principal’s office after school.

 

Her mother sighs, looking towards the principal, “We’re sorry. She’s never been violent before, so—”

 

“He took Jungeun’s juice box!” Jinsol huffs out angrily. She crosses her dainty arms over her chest and pouts, “It was Jungeun’s and—and he _took_ it. And I knew Jungeun wasn’t going to ask for it back, so **_I_ ** asked for her.”

 

“Pushing him off of his chair isn’t asking, Jinsol,” her father says sternly.

 

“I did ask him first—with words! But he said no! And then he laughed at me and then Jungeun was about to cry so—so I pushed him! I didn’t mean to push him hard, I swear, I just—” Jinsol explains hurriedly, pausing for a moment to quiet her voice because she’d started to get too loud, “I just didn’t want Jungeun to cry.”

 

Her parents look at each other, but Jinsol’s eyes are starting to water so she doesn’t notice. She sniffles because she thinks it’s dumb that she’s getting in trouble just for helping her friend, and then her father’s guiding her back to the car and his calloused finger is wiping away her tears.

 

“It’s alright, sweetie,” he says comfortingly.

 

Jinsol hiccups, getting into her car seat with the help of her dad.

 

He doesn’t close the door just yet, waiting for his daughter to look at him in the eyes so he can continue talking.

 

Jinsol’s lips are still pouting, but she manages to look up at her father.

 

“You had good intentions, Jinsol,” he says softly, “but violence isn’t the answer, okay?”

 

Jinsol nods half-heartedly.

 

He sighs, fixing her messy hair and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

 

Jinsol looks up with wide eyes, “Aren’t you mad that I’m friends with Jungeun?”

 

“No,” her dad says, letting out a small smile, “I’m glad you’re friends with her, Jinsol.”

 

“You are?” she asks, shocked.

 

Her mother, who’s in the passenger seat up front, turns to join in on the conversation. Instead of the spitefulness she’d had when she’d first spoken about Jungeun, her eyes are softer.

 

“You be nice to that girl, alright?” she says.

 

Jinsol’s little brain goes reeling. What happened to _avoiding_ Jungeun?

 

Her mother smiles.

 

“Keep her close to you.”

 

-

 

And it’s almost like the world has it out for Jungeun, because over the years, Jinsol has to constantly stick up for her (usually when Jungeun isn’t even around to stick up for herself—though Jinsol’s not sure she’d even stick up for herself if she _were_ there.)

 

“She’s weird,” one boy says in fifth grade.

 

Jinsol frowns.

 

She points a stubby finger at the boy, “ **_You’re_ ** weird,” she says.

 

Now, according to fifth grade standards, that’s practically murder-by-words.

 

All of the kids around her scandalously go _‘Oooh!’_ and Jinsol feels her pride swell up because she’d just stood up for Jungeun once again—for her best friend.

 

Jungeun’s sat across the room, but she’s heard the commotion even from there. She looks up from the book she’s reading to meet eyes with Jinsol. Her eyes are large behind her round spectacles—Jinsol teased her when she’d first gotten glasses in second grade about how the glasses made her eyes bigger—and she gives Jinsol a thankful smile.

 

Jinsol grins, sticking out her tongue at Jungeun. Jungeun giggles and goes back to reading her book.

 

A warmth spreads through Jinsol’s stomach, fluttering up to her heart. She stares at Jungeun for a couple of more seconds before some other kid starts talking and her attention’s stolen away.

  
  
  
  
  
  


—

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Something happens in middle school.

 

Jungeun pulls away, and Jinsol’s asked why but Jungeun’s never told her. All Jinsol knows is that Jungeun’s been missing school for a few days—for nearly two weeks now, and she’s worried.

 

Sure, she and Jungeun haven’t been as close as they had been in elementary school, but it’s not their faults that they had no classes together in sixth grade. Seventh grade wasn’t any better either, but they did have health class together for two terms—and they sat next to each other.

 

Regardless, Jinsol has tried her hardest to keep in touch with Jungeun. She has Jungeun’s name saved as ‘J’ in her phone, and she texts Jungeun whenever she can between her piano lessons and soccer practice.

 

Normally, Jungeun replies almost instantly, but as of late, she’s been giving Jinsol radio silence.

 

Jinsol has half-the-nerve to find Jungeun after school and talk to her face-to-face, but Jungeun’s as elusive as she’s always been. Jinsol swears that the girl genuinely _sprints_ out of the school to get home and with the way Jinsol has after-school activities to attend, she can’t talk to her as easily as she wants to.

 

-

 

One day, Jinsol decides she’ll take the coming-to-practice-late punishment of having to run extra laps around the field as she waits outside of the exit Jungeun usually leaves out of.

 

This is Jungeun’s first day back at school after being M.I.A for almost a month, and Jinsol is _not_ going to miss the opportunity to talk to her.

 

She leans against the lamppost outside of the door, fiddling with the straps on her backpack.

 

When the door opens, Jinsol’s eyes snap up.

 

Jungeun stares right back at her.

 

“Hey,” the word feels oddly foreign coming out of Jinsol’s mouth. Something about this entire situation feels foreign—something about the way Jungeun’s face is pale and how the redness in her eyes is the only real color in her face.

 

“Hi,” Jungeun whispers. She tries to walk past Jinsol, but Jinsol pushes off of the lamppost and hurries to take hold of Jungeun’s wrist.

 

“You haven’t been in school for a _month_ ,” Jinsol states.

 

“Yeah, I know,” Jungeun replies, looking at Jinsol with knitted eyebrows, “I need to go home, Jinsol.”

 

“Wh—” Jinsol stammers, “Why? Are you okay?”

 

Jinsol doesn’t fail to notice the slight quiver of Jungeun’s bottom lip before Jungeun bites down on it.

 

She nods, but her eyes fall down to her feet.

 

“I’m fine,” Jungeun whispers, “I’ll text you later.”

 

Jinsol’s grip on her wrist falls slack.

 

“Okay,” she mumbles, but Jungeun’s already halfway down the parking lot to hear her.

 

-

 

Jinsol waits for the text that Jungeun had flimsily promised her earlier that day.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It never comes.

  
  
  
  
  
  
—  


**_leaving isn’t better than trying_ **

  
  
  
—  
  
  
  


In high school, Jinsol tries not to think too much about the way Jungeun had just seemed to blur her way into the background of everything. Jungeun’s not involved in anything at school despite elementary school promises to join various clubs together. Jinsol barely sees her anymore.

 

She makes new friends and hopes that Jungeun’s done the same because even though Jungeun’s become almost shadow-like, Jinsol still manages to decipher the back of her head in a crowded hallway and still feels like nothing and nobody else matters when Jungeun’s around.

 

At lunch, Jinsol sees that Jungeun sits alone. Every time she sees Jungeun, she has an itch to get up and leave her friends just to go over and keep her company—like she did back in kindergarten. She wishes she had a container of animal crackers like she did back then, wishes she didn’t feel fear strike her at the thought of interacting with Jungeun again.

 

She never does gain the courage to do it, though.

 

(And seeing Jungeun leave lunch early with an emotionless face makes her heart hurt a lot more than it should.)

 

-

 

Jinsol sits with her soccer team at lunch, the majority of them being upperclassmen.

 

“So what’s up with that girl over there?” one of the girls ask. She points her fork towards Jungeun.

 

Jinsol feels her heartbeat spike up as everyone’s attention is tossed towards the girl who has earphones in and a book open.

 

“No clue,” a girl in Jinsol’s grade—Haebin—replies, “she’s always been quiet.”

 

“What’s her name?”

 

“I don’t know. It starts with a ‘J’ I think.”

 

“You think?”

 

“Dude, she’s a fucking loner. I tried talking to her before because we had class together but she’d barely say anything back to me. She’s weird as fuck—”

 

“Her name’s Jungeun,” Jinsol says monotonously, glancing angrily towards the girl sat next to her, “don’t be mean about her.”

 

Haebin raises her hands up in mock-surrender, “Sorry. I forgot you two were close.”

 

“We weren’t close,” Jinsol huffs, the words coming out of her lips causing the ache in her heart to burn harder than it usually does, “just don’t be mean to her, alright?”

 

The girls sat the table all look towards each other, surprised at the serious tone Jinsol’s using.

 

“She doesn’t really talk to anybody, and kids used to pick on her when we were little. Don’t let her go through the same thing in high school.”

 

“Sure, Jinsol,” the team captain, Im Nayoung, nods, “we won’t bother her.”

 

Jinsol gives a small, tight-lipped smile.

 

Her eyes flicker over towards Jungeun one last time. She’s still engrossed in that damn book, and Jinsol fleetingly thinks that she wishes Jungeun would give her even just an _ounce_ of the attention that she’s giving that book.

 

She looks away, heart hammering against her chest.

 

—

 

Jinsol’s soccer team ends up winning the state championships, and as her teammates run up to her with screams of happiness because she’d kicked the winning goal, Jinsol can’t help but scan the crowd in hopes of seeing a particular girl.

 

It’s a long shot, she knows, but she does this every game. She keeps just a sliver of hope that maybe Jungeun still cares about her.

 

She always ends up disappointed, though.

 

A body slams into her her and suddenly she’s being hugged from every direction. She pushes down the lump in her throat as her teammates lift her up and parade her around.

 

She laughs, a squeal leaving her lips when Minkyung almost lets her topple over.

 

Her teammates cheer her up and for a moment—for **_just_ ** _a moment_ , Jinsol thinks she’s better off without Jungeun.

 

—

 

When Jinsol attends the first ‘team bonding’ in her Sophomore year, she quickly realizes that this isn’t just the soccer team at Seolhyun’s house. She realizes that this is more of a full-blown party than it is a ‘team bonding’, and feels the anxiety immediately kick in. Haebin tells her to stop being such a worry-wart, tugging her into the threshold of the house.

 

“This is why they didn’t invite us last year,” Haebin says in-awe, surprised at how many people have managed to fit into the house.

 

Eventually, Haebin and Jinsol are found by the other members of the team and they’re sucked into a game of ‘Would You Rather?’. It’s entertaining for the first few rounds, but it quickly becomes stale.

 

Jinsol tries to enjoy herself, but she doesn’t quite like the potent smell of weed and alcohol. It makes her stomach churn and her nose scrunch.

 

“Jinsol, would you rather kiss a girl or drink pure lemon juice?”

 

“Kiss a girl,” Jinsol replies easily, almost absentmindedly, her eyes scanning the crowd in the living room.

 

(She’s looking for her—she’s _always_ looking for her.)

 

Jinsol’s not sure who asked that dumb question, but when she looks back at the group, she locks eyes with a girl in a leather jacket and black jeans that fit her just right. The girl’s leaning on the wall with a red solo cup in her hands. There’s the slightest quirk of her eyebrow, the tiniest hint of a smirk on her lips, and just a tiny flicker of interest in her eyes.

 

It makes something in her stomach flutter— _something_ that’s so familiar to what she’d feel around Jungeun, but it’s not quite the same.

 

-

 

Jinsol ends up on the back-porch an hour later when the smell has become too musty for her and she needs fresh air. She closes the sliding door behind her and leans against the wall next to the door.

 

With her eyes turned towards the full moon in the sky, her mind wanders towards Jungeun.

 

She wonders if Jungeun still wants to be an astronaut…

 

The door next to Jinsol squeaks open and Jinsol watches the girl she’d been avoiding all night walk out onto the porch.

 

“Hey,” the girl greets her.

 

The word’s foreign to her…

 

“Hi,” Jinsol replies back.

 

The girl closes the door behind her and joins Jinsol, her shoulders brushing against the taller girl’s.

 

“My name’s Haseul,” she says, looking up at her with a smile on her pink lips.

 

Jinsol somehow manages to keep eye-contact as she nods, “I’m Jinsol.”

 

Haseul hums. She lifts up the cup in her hand, “Do you want some?”

 

“What is it?” Jinsol asks.

 

She can see the playfulness in Haseul’s eyes even in the darkness of the night.

 

“Pure lemon juice,” she says.

 

Jinsol’s breath hitches, getting caught in her throat as Haseul’s eyes go from flickering between her eyes to flickering between her eyes and her lips.

 

There are a few beats of silence as Jinsol struggles to respond to that.

 

“Or—just water,” Haseul shrugs with a loose grin, “up to you.”

 

And, just like that, Haseul gives Jinsol control of the situation.

 

“Uhm…” Jinsol mumbles, mouth opening and closing for a few seconds.

 

Haseul giggles, “You’re very cute, Jinsol.”

 

And there’s that fluttering in Jinsol’s stomach again.

 

(It’s getting more and more similar to the one she feels for Jungeun.)

 

Bracing herself, Jinsol leans in and presses the lightest of kisses against Haseul’s lips.

 

When she pulls back, Haseul doesn’t let her get very far. She brings a hand up to Jinsol’s neck to keep her in place, dull nails lightly scratching at the sensitive skin as she smiles.

 

“Good choice,” is what she whispers as she moves back to lean on the house wall behind her, pulling Jinsol close to her as their lips reconnect.

 

Jinsol thinks that she should feel a lot more nervous for her first kiss, but Haseul’s easy-going enough and the softness of her lips eases the skipping beats of Jinsol’s heart. It’s a push-and-pull with their kisses, where Jinsol’s doing most of the pulling and Haseul’s doing most of the pushing.

 

It’s Haseul who guides Jinsol’s hands to her waist, and it’s Haseul who lets her teeth graze Jinsol’s bottom lip.

 

As far as first kisses go, Jinsol thinks hers is top-tier.

  
  
  


—

  
  
  


When Jinsol’s not playing soccer for the school, she’s playing soccer for the town’s travel team. It’s a lot to deal with considering how the workload has started to pick up her Junior year and how her parents still make her go to piano lessons/recitals, but deep down inside Jinsol’s glad for all of it.

 

It keeps her busy, and being busy means she doesn’t have time to think about the girl she’s sure had been her very first love.

 

(Newsflash: it isn’t Haseul.)

 

-

 

Haseul is less than a girlfriend but is more than just a friend. She comes and goes as she pleases, weaving in and out of Jinsol’s life without a single care in the world.

 

Jinsol doesn’t mind, because Haseul’s smile eases some of the heaviness on her heart and when she giggles against Jinsol’s lips, it’s almost like the happiness transfers from her body to Jinsol’s.

 

Somewhere along the way, Haseul squeezes into the title of ‘best friend’ for Jinsol—a title that Jinsol’s refused to give to anybody else since Jungeun.

 

But it’s been **_years_ ** since Jungeun’s ghosted her, years since Jungeun made it clear that Jinsol isn’t someone she needed in her life.

 

And Haseul’s **_here_ **, laid beneath her on her bed with short brown hair sprawled across Jinsol’s pillows. Her hands are soft even when her eyes hold a darker glint in them, and Jinsol presses a kiss against her jawline. The soft sigh that leaves Haseul’s lips and travels straight into Jinsol’s left ear is enough.

 

 **_Haseul_ ** is enough.

 

Jinsol allows herself to revel in the beautiful girl beneath her, allows herself to let every thought not revolving around Haseul to be pushed towards the back of her mind, allows herself to forget.

  


-

  


Jinsol knows she shouldn’t do this, but she keeps subtle tabs on Jungeun. She knows people in Jungeun’s class, and talks to them casually about the girl. Most people just tell Jinsol that Jungeun rarely talks in class, but is actually one of the smartest girls, if not _the_ smartest.

 

And Jinsol knows she has no place to feel this way, but she finds her chest expanding in pride.

 

Jungeun’s always been smart.

  
  
  
  
  
  


—

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Shouldn’t this be harder?” Jinsol asks one day as Haseul’s legs are sprawled across her lap, the two of them doing homework on Jinsol’s living room couch.

 

“Hm?” Haseul responds, looking down at her paper before looking up at Jinsol, “What do you mean? Are you talking about Pre-Calc homework? Because it’s pretty hard to me—”

 

“ _No_ ,” Jinsol laughs, tossing a pillow lightly at Haseul’s face, “I mean…”

 

Haseul waits patiently, raising her eyebrows.

 

“Us,” Jinsol says plainly, “shouldn’t it be harder to do what we’re doing?”

 

Haseul tilts her head. She takes a moment to process what Jinsol’s saying.

 

Eventually, she shrugs.

 

“It’s easy because we don’t expect anything from each other,” Haseul says, “we’re _friends_ , Jinsol.”

 

“I know,” Jinsol rolls her eyes, “I’m not confessing to you right now.”

 

“Oh, okay, **_good_ ** ,” Haseul says with an exaggerated breath of relief, “I was _really_ worried there—”

 

Jinsol grabs another pillow and smacks Haseul with it. She laughs as Haseul yelps, and then squeals when Haseul pushes her homework to the side and grabs her own pillow to hit Jinsol with.

 

The mini pillow fight doesn’t last long because Haseul eventually just throws both of their pillows off of the couch and launches herself onto Jinsol’s lap.

 

Jinsol’s all smiles and out of breath when Haseul kisses her.

 

It feels natural as she closes her eyes and kisses Haseul back. Haseul loosely wraps her arms around Jinsol’s neck, keeping her forearms resting on Jinsol’s shoulders.

 

When Haseul leans away, she smiles and presses one last peck on Jinsol’s lips.

 

She presses her forehead against Jinsol’s and the playfulness in her eyes simmers down, “I like where we are right now, Jinsol, but if you like someone, tell me. We can stop whatever we’re doing and still be friends.”

 

Jinsol stares at Haseul, nodding subtly.

 

Haseul smiles, “I like **you** more than I like just your kisses.”

 

Jinsol can’t help the snort of amusement that leaves her, “Well, _that_ was deep.”

 

“Shut up,” Haseul laughs with her, punching her shoulder lightly. She leans back the slightest bit as their laughs quiet down, eyes shifting between Jinsol’s, “I’m being serious…”

 

“I know,” Jinsol says, “you’re my _best_ _friend_ , Haseul. You’re not just someone who I kiss every now and then, you know?”

 

There’s only a tiny bit of surprise showcased in Haseul’s eyes, and then she smiles widely, teeth-and-all.

 

“You have really **shitty** standards for a best friend,” she giggles.

 

“No I don’t!” Jinsol replies in almost a whine, “My standards are pretty high, actually!”

 

“Right,” Haseul rolls her eyes before letting her body fall to the side as she picks up her homework. They’re back to their original positions, with Haseul’s legs across Jinsol’s lap and the two of them doing their homework.

 

It’s hard to explain how Jinsol feels after her conversation with Haseul. She feels like a weight’s been lifted off of her shoulders while also feeling like she’s sinking down deeper into the quicksand labelled ‘J’ that she’s been stuck in for _years_.

 

 

  
  
  
  
  
—  
  


_**'cause maybe you'll come running when you're done being alone.** _

 

 

—

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The summer before Jinsol’s senior year of high school is filled with spontaneous trips to the beach with Haseul and sleepovers with her soccer team. She spends nearly every day surrounded by the people she talks to most, surrounded by people she’s spent the last four years of her life with, and Jinsol doesn’t think she’s ever been happier.

 

(She _has_ , but she’s been starting to pretend like those times hadn’t happened. It’s easier to deal with when she pretends they’ve never happened. It hurts less.)

  
  
  
  
  


-

 

 

  
  


“What do you think of Sooyoung?” Haseul asks one day as they sit in the seats of Jinsol’s air-conditioned car, cups of ice cream in their laps.

 

“Sooyoung?” Jinsol raises her eyebrow, “Like—volleyball team Sooyoung?”

 

“Yeah,” Haseul replies, putting another spoonful of mango ice cream into her mouth.

 

“What am I supposed to think about her?” Jinsol laughs.

 

“I… I don’t know,” Haseul murmurs, suddenly becoming uncharacteristically shy.

 

“Don’t tell me…” Jinsol narrows her eyes.

 

Haseul avoids Jinsol’s eyes. And then it _clicks_ inside of Jinsol’s brain.

 

Jinsol gasps, “You _like_ her!”

 

“I never said that!”

 

“You’re _blushing_!”

 

“Shut up!”

 

Jinsol gets quiet, but she’s smiling. She points her spoon at Haseul, “You like her.”

 

“Jinsol, I _swear_ to God—”

 

“She’s pretty,” Jinsol cuts Haseul off with a grin, “Is she nice?”

 

“...” Haseul grunts, “ _Yes_.”

 

“Then go for it,” Jinsol says.

 

“Really?” Haseul widens her eyes.

 

Jinsol lets out a chuckle, “Were you waiting for my permission, or something?”

 

“Well, yeah…” Haseul mumbles, “you’re my _best friend_ who I... sometimes make out with…”

 

“ **Haseul**.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Go for it,” Jinsol says earnestly.

 

Haseul looks at her, scans her face, and then she nods.

 

“I will. Thanks, Sol.

  
  
  
  
  


—

  
  
  
  


After a rather rough soccer game, Jinsol thinks she needs time to herself. Between all of her school work, her college applications, piano lessons, and soccer practices/games, she feels herself getting burnt out.

 

She feels like she’s going through the motions, and it’s hard to find joy in anything when you feel like you’re just floating in existence.

 

She declines the team’s offer to get pizza and ignores the worried glances tossed her way.

 

Yebin pats her on the back, “Don’t be so rough on yourself, Captain.”

 

“I know,” Jinsol smiles reassuringly, “I just need to cool off.”

 

“Alright,” she nods, “we’ll be across the street if you want to join us.”

 

“For sure,” Jinsol replies, and she watches Yebin jog to catch up with the team.

 

Jinsol stands alone in the middle of the field.

 

She looks around, looks at the setting sun, and then furrows her eyebrows together when she sees someone sitting at the far side of the baseball field next to the soccer field she’s on.

 

The person isn’t looking at her, they’re focused down on something in their lap.

 

Jinsol’s heart skips a beat when she realizes that the person is _reading_.

 

“Jungeun…?” Jinsol whispers under her breath.

 

She starts walking towards the person without thinking, and then starts jogging because—yes, that _is_ Jungeun—and the surprised face Jungeun gives her when she sees Jinsol in front of her would be funny if Jinsol wasn’t so emotional.

 

“Jinsol,” Jungeun says as a greeting. It’s the first word they’ve said to each other in years.

 

“I thought it was you,” Jinsol murmurs, mostly to herself. She takes a moment to control her breathing, because she’d just sprinted a pretty far distance to get to Jungeun.

 

Jungeun closes the book in her lap, setting it aside as the two of them stare at each other for what feels like forever.

 

…

 

“You don’t have glasses anymore,” is what Jinsol decides is best to say after a few moments.

 

Jungeun smiles, shaking her head, “I got contacts.”

 

“Your glasses were cute,” Jinsol replies. She takes a seat next to Jungeun so the younger girl doesn’t have to crane her neck to look up at her.

 

“Thanks,” Jungeun says as her cheeks start to pink.

 

_She still blushes the same way after all these years._

 

“Why… why’re you here so late?” Jinsol asks.

 

“Uhm…” Jungeun says, “I was watching your game.”

 

“You were?” Jinsol widens her eyes.

 

“Yes,” Jungeun responds quietly.

 

“Is this the first game you’ve come to?”

 

“No,” Jungeun answers honestly, “I go to most of your home games.”

 

Jinsol stares at her in awe, heart slamming against her ribcage, “I… How come you never sat in the bleachers?”

 

 _I always looked for you_ **_in the bleachers_ **.

 

“It was always too crowded,” Jungeun says.

 

“Then…” Jinsol frowns slightly, “How come you never told me you came?”

 

Jungeun averts her eyes at this.

 

Her gaze flutters down to her lap as she gives a half-assed shrug.

 

Jinsol waits for Jungeun to say something, but nothing comes.

 

She can’t help but feel disappointment bubbling up inside of her. She thought that maybe Jungeun could be able to talk to her, thought that maybe Jungeun’s spent the last few years coming up with something to talk to Jinsol about— _anything_ —but Jinsol’s hoped for naught.

 

Jinsol wants to walk away—wants to do what Jungeun had done to her, but she finds herself rooted to the spot next to Jungeun.

 

There’s tension in the air now, the two girls holding their breaths and waiting for the next to say something first.

 

Jinsol holds back. She wants to see if Jungeun would make the effort now.

 

But all Jungeun does is fiddle with the pages of the book in her lap, and Jinsol feels the frustration building up. She knows that this is just how Jungeun is—that Jungeun won’t tell you anything unless asked first, and even _then_ , she won’t tell you anything of substance—but Jinsol sort of wished she’d gotten past that part of Jungeun.

 

The sigh that Jinsol lets out as she gets up from the ground is involuntary, but with the residual anger from the game she’d just had and the aggravation growing, she can’t help it.

 

Jungeun watches her every move.

 

Jinsol stands there, debating whether to leave or not.

 

This feels like the end—the _actual_ end of her and Jungeun. Jungeun cutting contact off with her years ago hadn’t been the end, not yet—but Jinsol knows that if she walks away _now_ , they’re never going to be able to reconcile.

 

She’s 50/50 on her decision.

 

Jinsol turns her eyes to the sky, blinking away the tears that blur her vision.

 

She starts walking back to the soccer field, and she feels the atmosphere shift with each step she takes.

 

Jinsol gets to her bags still set down on the bench, but she doesn’t pick them up to leave.

 

She grabs her blue soccer ball and tosses it onto the field.

 

She’s not walking away.

 

She’s giving Jungeun control of the situation.

 

Jinsol kicks the soccer ball around for nearly two hours. The field lights eventually shut off, but Jinsol doesn’t care. She releases her anger by scoring goals and practicing her dribbles.

 

By the time the sun’s gone down and the moon is out, Jinsol doesn’t bother wiping the tears that keep falling down onto her cheeks. She kicks the soccer ball blindly across the field, gritting her teeth to keep in the sob she wants to let out.

 

She hasn’t checked if Jungeun’s still sat there, but she has a feeling that the girl’s gone.

 

Jinsol lets out a shaky exhale and lets her body fall to the ground. She sits with her knees pull up to her chest, breathing heavily.

 

Her head snaps up when she hears footsteps nearing her.

 

Jungeun’s there, with Jinsol’s soccer ball tucked under her arm and her backpack on.

 

She kneels in front of Jinsol, placing the ball down gently and dropping her backpack down.

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.

 

Jinsol wipes her tears away pathetically and looks over towards the empty bleachers instead of at Jungeun, “What are you apologizing for?”

 

“For everything,” Jungeun says.

 

The vulnerability in her tone and the shakiness of her words makes Jinsol look back at her.

 

Jungeun’s eyes are desperately looking between Jinsol’s. Jinsol doesn’t know how many times she’s had to resort to finding emotion in Jungeun’s eyes because the girl just couldn’t verbally explain them.

 

But eye-contact isn’t enough for Jinsol, it’s not enough to mend Jinsol’s heart.

 

“It’s not enough,” Jinsol whispers.

 

Jungeun looks crushed.

 

“You never texted me,” Jinsol says. It sounds stupid outloud, but the text message promise that Jungeun failed to keep had been the start of their downfall. It’d been the start of Jinsol’s hurt.

 

“I know,” Jungeun says, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

 

“How come you never texted me?” Jinsol asks quietly.

 

Jungeun shakes her head, “I… I had family things going on. I—I had _a lot_ going on, Jinsol. I’m so sorry, and I know this doesn’t seem like much, but—I really am sorry.”

 

Jinsol sniffles, wiping her cheeks, “You were my best friend.”

 

Jungeun’s forehead creases as her eyes gloss over, “You were mine, too—”

 

“It didn’t feel like it,” Jinsol says angrily, “you stopped talking to me completely—over _what_? Over family drama?”

 

“It wasn’t just family drama—”

 

“Then what was it? What _happened_ , Jungeun? You never—”

 

“It doesn’t matter even if I tell you—”

 

“How could you say it doesn’t matter?!” Jinsol yells, voice echoing across the field. She lets out a choked sob, “It was _all_ that mattered to me! **_You_ ** were everything that mattered to me!”

 

“I’m sorry,” Jungeun says under her breath. She backs away at Jinsol’s outburst.

 

Jinsol stares at the younger girl as the seconds tick by.

  
  
  


…

  
  


…

  
  


…

  
  


“My mom… uhm… she got sick when I was in second grade,” Jungeun says quietly.

 

Jinsol feels her stomach _drop_.

 

“We lost her in middle school,” Jungeun whispers, “it hit us hard. My dad… he started…”

 

She fails to finish her sentence, voice trembling too much for her to keep going.

 

Jungeun clears her throat, “He started drinking. He got lost for a little—went down the wrong path, and… and I just—I needed to be there to help him guide him back to the right one.”

 

Jinsol stares heartbreakingly at Jungeun, “I could’ve been there for you, Jungeun. I _should’ve_ been there—”

 

“No,” Jungeun shakes her head and closes her eyes, “it’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself.”

 

“But…” Jinsol says helplessly, “Jungeun… _no one_ should’ve gone through that alone.”

 

“I wasn’t alone,” Jungeun whispers. She looks deep into Jinsol’s eyes, “You’ve been watching over me this entire time.”

 

“What?” Jinsol’s eyes widen, “What do you mean?”

 

“Yebin almost got into a fight with some kid who was being mean to me,” Jungeun says, tilting her head as she stares at Jinsol, “she told me that you’d told the soccer team to take care of me.”

 

“I…” Jinsol gulps.

 

“And then there was you always asking how I’m doing in my classes,” Jungeun smiles, “I’m valedictorian, you know?”

 

“I know,” Jinsol whispers. She stares at Jungeun, speechless.

 

“I knew I wasn’t alone even if it felt like I was,” Jungeun says, “I had you.”

 

“You could’ve _actually_ had me,” Jinsol whispers, “how come you never talked to me? If you knew I still cared about you, how come you never…?”

 

“I was scared,” Jungeun admits, “I thought the distance would do us some good—that maybe you just wanted to make sure I was okay but wanted to keep me arms-length away.”

 

“That wasn’t what I wanted,” Jinsol scoffs, “that’s _not_ what I want.”

 

Jungeun nods sadly. She looks away, across the dark soccer field, “I’m sorry. I know my words don’t mean much, but I am.”

 

“Jungeun,” Jinsol says firmly.

 

This makes Jungeun’s eyes lock back onto her own.

 

Jinsol stands from the ground and reaches a hand out to Jungeun.

 

Jungeun blinks up at her, but takes hold of Jinsol’s hand and feels herself being pulled to her feet—and then feels herself being pulled into a warm embrace.

 

Immediately, Jungeun brings her arms up to wrap around Jinsol’s waist tightly.

 

Jinsol feels Jungeun lay her head sideways on her shoulder, and she does the same.

 

“You don’t have to run away from me, Jungeun,” Jinsol whispers, “I don’t want you to run away from me every time things get rough.”

 

Jungeun lets out a quiet whimper, and then she sniffles. Jinsol places a hand on the back of Jungeun’s head as her other wraps around Jungeun’s shoulder, keeping her as close as she can as the girl’s body starts to shake with nearly silent sobs.

 

Jungeun keeps apologizing through her cries, but Jinsol hushes her comfortingly and scratches lightly against Jungeun’s scalp.

 

There’s another shift in the atmosphere.

 

Jinsol’s never seen Jungeun cry this hard, and she feels her heart breaking with every sob that wracks Jungeun’s body.

 

She wants to feel angry at the world for hurting Jungeun, but she’s more focused on keeping Jungeun grounded than she is on her own anger.

 

-

 

If the loss Jinsol had to take earlier in the soccer game was the universe’s way of keeping things balanced, then she’s okay with it, because now Jungeun’s sat in the passenger seat of her car and they’re sharing fries and chicken nuggets from McDonald’s.

 

“Hey,” Jinsol says as she nibbles on a fry, “remember how I used to run away from you at the end of class in kindergarten?”

 

“Yeah,” Jungeun replies.

 

“It was because my mom told me to stay away from you,” Jinsol admits sheepishly, “I didn’t want to get in trouble if she saw me with you.”

 

“Ah, that makes sense now,” Jungeun smiles, “I actually know why she said that.”

 

Jinsol’s eyes grow in curiosity, “Really? Why?”

 

“Your mom had a thing for my dad in high school,” Jungeun says, “but apparently my dad chose my mom over yours.”

 

“Oh…” Jinosl says as she lets the words settle in, “I see.”

 

Jungeun lets out a little breath of amusement, “So your mom told you to stay away from me and you just…”

 

Jinsol gives a playful smirk towards Jungeun, “And then, the _very next day_ , I offered you my animal crackers.”

 

Jungeun giggles, and Jinsol feels her stomach do all sorts of flips.

 

She smiles contently as she watches Jungeun laugh, only snapping out of her lovesick daze when Jungeun throws a chicken nugget at her.

 

It hits her right in the nose.

 

This makes Jungeun laugh even louder, and Jinsol joins in on the laughter.

 

The laughter leaving Jungeun’s lips and the familiar smile pulls Jinsol back into the present, pulls her from drifting aimlessly through the black nothingness of existence, and fills her with such an immeasurable amount of joy.

  
  
  
  


 

—

 

 

  
  
  


Bringing Jungeun over to her house for the first time isn’t as scary as she thought it’d be. Her mother has gotten over whatever grudge she’d held on Jungeun’s mom, and actually greets the girl very warmly.

 

“Hey, girls!” she says as Jinsol and Jungeun walk into the kitchen, “Are you two hungry? I’m just about done cooking fried rice.”

 

“Sure, mom,” Jinsol says, “this is Jung—”

 

“ _Jungeun_! Of course I know who Jungeun is, sweetie,” her mom cuts her off, gesturing vaguely towards the dinner table, “go sit down.”

 

“I—Okay,” Jinsol stammers, giving Jungeun a look of amusement that makes her giggle.

  
  
  
  


—

  
  
  
  
  
  


Jinsol knows that everything’s different now, but as she lays next to Jungeun in her bedroom and they talk about everything and anything, she can’t help but feel as if nothing’s changed.

 

Jungeun still listens to her ramble, and Jungeun still has that same gentle smile on her lips as she watches her. Jinsol still makes Jungeun’s ears turn tomato-red and she still feels the swooping sensation in her stomach whenever Jungeun laughs at something she says.

 

It’s the same, but it’s different. It’s **so** different.

  
  
  


—

  
  
  


The first time Jinsol brings Jungeun to hang out with her and Haseul is the collision of two worlds; her life before Jungeun and her life _after_ Jungeun.

 

Haseul greets Jungeun nonchalantly, as she does with everybody, and Jungeun squeaks out an awkward hello.

 

Jinsol drives them to the beach even though the weather is cold, and plays music at max volume. Haseul jams out and Jungeun’s stiffness eventually subsides as she starts laughing at the exaggerated way Haseul sings along to the songs.

 

Jinsol looks at her rearview mirror and feels her smile widening at the pure happiness and amusement on Jungeun’s face.

 

The three of them sit on the cold sand with sweaters on and blankets wrapped around their shoulders. The sun’s starting to set, and that only means it’s going to get colder from there.

 

“How are college admissions looking for you two?” Haseul asks as they settle down.

 

Jinsol groans, “Why do you _always_ have to bring up college?”

 

“Because we’re seniors,” Haseul says emotionlessly, “it’s the only important part of our life right now.”

 

Jinsol tosses sand at her and Haseul drops the emotionless mask and starts laughing, “No, but for real, how’s it looking?”

 

“I got into most of the schools I applied to,” Jinsol says, rolling her eyes.

 

“What about you, Jungeun?”

 

“Uhm,” Jungeun shrugs, “I got into all of them.”

 

“What?!” Jinsol yelps, “That’s amazing! You didn’t tell me that!”

 

“I didn’t tell _anyone_ that,” Jungeun chuckles.

 

“You’re valedictorian, aren’t you?” Haseul grins.

 

“Yeah,” Jungeun says shyly.

 

“Smart girl,” Haseul whistles, “my girlfriend’s the salutatorian.”

 

“Girlfriend?” Jungeun asks.

 

“Ha Sooyoung,” Haseul clarifies with the slightest puff of her chest, “volleyball team captain.”

 

“Oh _God_ , here we go—” Jinsol groans.

 

“Best girl in the universe, the light of my light, the apple of my eye—”

 

“Please, _stop_!” Jinsol laughs loudly as Jungeun giggles.

 

“I…” Jungeun starts out, “I thought _you two_ were dating.”

 

“Me and Haseul?” Jinsol widens her eyes.

 

“Oh, please,” Haseul snorts, “don’t act so surprised, Jinsol. We kissed in public everywhere.”

 

“I mean—” Jinsol mumbles. She didn’t think Jungeun saw that. She didn’t even think Jungeun _knew_ about that.

 

“We made out,” Haseul states casually, “and maybe had sex—”

 

“ _Okay_!” Jinsol cuts her off, “That’s enough!”

 

“What?” Haseul looks at her incredulously, though there’s the slightest glint of evil in her eyes as she realizes _why_ Jinsol’s acting so off, “I’m just explaining—”

 

“ _Nope_!” Jinsol squeaks, “No more explaining!”

 

Haseul turns towards Jungeun, “Feelings were never involved.”

 

Jungeun raises her eyebrows at the statement, and looks over towards Jinsol.

 

Jinsol’s staring out at the sea, though, purposefully avoiding Jungeun’s eyes because her cheeks are warm despite the chilly breeze and Jungeun’s gaze probably won’t do anything to ease her blush.

 

It’s a couple hours of conversation later that Haseul announces that Sooyoung’s there to pick her up.

 

“What?” Jinsol asks, “I thought we were gonna go out to eat dinner afterwards?”

 

“I never agreed to that,” Haseul winks, “Bye!”

 

“Wait—”

 

But Haseul hurries away from the two of them.

 

And then Jinsol’s left alone with Jungeun.

 

There’s silence for a few moments, and then the two girls start giggling.

 

“She’s really cool,” Jungeun says.

 

“She is,” Jinsol nods, “I met her at a party my sophomore year.”

 

“You went to a _party_?”

 

“In my defense, I didn’t know it was going to be an actual party,” Jinsol laughs, “I thought it was just going to be the soccer team, but _a lot_ of people were there.”

 

“And you met Haseul there,” Jungeun hums.

 

“Yup,” Jinsol says, digging her fingers into the sand, “she was my first kiss.”

 

“No she wasn’t,” Jungeun counters.

 

“Huh?” Jinsol lets out dumbly, looking over at Jungeun.

 

“I was.”

 

“You _were_?” Jinsol asks. She probably would’ve remembered if she’d kissed Jungeun.

 

“Third grade recess,” Jungeun says quietly, “the kids were making a big deal out of who’s had first kisses already.”

 

Jinsol’s eyes nearly pop out of their sockets as she remembers the memory.

 

“Oh my God, that’s right,” she whispers, “and they were making fun of you because you didn’t—”

 

“But you didn’t either,” Jungeun grins, “so you kissed me.”

 

“Wow…” Jinsol says in disbelief, “I… I completely forgot about that.”

 

Jungeun hums, turning her gaze towards the water. Jinsol stares at her side-profile, wondering when Jungeun had transitioned from being pretty to being ethereal.

 

Jungeun sniffles, her nose runny from the cold, “You’ve always protected me.”

 

“Of course,” Jinsol replies, “always.”

 

“Even when I didn’t deserve it,” Jungeun says gently, “you were there.”

 

Jinsol stares. She digs her fingers further into the sand to avoid bringing them up and curling them beneath Jungeun’s jawline. She’s itching to guide Jungeun’s lips towards her own into a kiss.

 

“You were kind of like my guardian angel,” Jungeun whispers, nodding to herself at the realization she’d made, “I was your everything…”

 

The words Jinsol had said to Jungeun a couple of months ago comes back, and Jinsol feels her heartbeat quicken.

 

“You had a lot of other things to care about back then, even when we were little. Piano lessons, soccer lessons, your _dog_ ...” Jungeun continues talking. Jinsol stays silent because she doesn’t want to interrupt, “but you still considered _me_ … to be important.”

 

“You’re _still_ important to me, Jungeun.”

 

“You don’t have to lie to me, Jinsol,” Jungeun says with a sad smile. She looks back over to Jinsol, “we haven’t spoken in years—and that’s on me—but I know that two months of speaking isn’t going to make up for years of nothing.”

 

“They weren’t years of nothing,” Jinsol replies, “they were years of me wondering if you were okay, wondering if you were _happy_. They were years of wanting to take the first step to talk to you again but wanting to see if you’d ever make the first step.”

 

Jungeun scrunches up her nose, and sniffles for a different reason than the cold.

 

“You’ve always been too good to me,” she whispers, “I really don’t deserve you.”

 

“You do deserve me,” Jinsol says breathlessly, leaning forward to get her point across better, “ _God_ , Jungeun—the only thing you don’t deserve is all the _shit_ you’ve been through.”

 

“You never had to stand up for me,” Jungeun says, “you could’ve let the kids make fun of me, you could’ve avoided me like your mom told you to do, you could’ve—”

 

“I could’ve missed out on meeting one of the most important people in my life, is what you mean,” Jinsol whispers, “don’t talk down on yourself, Jungeun. I can try to protect you from others who want to hurt you, but I can’t protect you from yourself.”

 

“Jinsol…”

 

Jinsol speaks without thinking, because Jungeun’s eyes are watering and she doesn’t want Jungeun to cry.

 

“You’re still my everything, Jungeun.”

 

…

 

Jungeun’s neck tightens as she takes in a silent gulp. Jungeun feels her breathing start to get heavy as her eyes flicker down to Jinsol’s lips.

 

Jinsol lifts her hands from the sand. She subtly wipes them across the blanket wrapped around her as Jungeun leans closer. When Jinsol spots Jungeun’s tongue swipe across her lips to moisten them, she brings her hand up and cups Jungeun’s cheek, guiding their lips together.

 

It’s a quick kiss, one that Jinsol pulls away and out of in order to gauge Jungeun’s reaction. Jungeun’s eyebrows are furrowed, her eyes still closed but her lips slightly parted. Jinsol swipes her thumb across Jungeun’s cheek soothingly.

 

“Was that alright?” she asks tentatively.

 

Jungeun doesn’t even bother opening her eyes as she mumbles out a, “Yeah.”

 

She nudges Jinsol’s nose against her own and kisses her again. And again. And again.

 

They’re innocent kisses, ones that don’t make Jinsol feel like there are tidal waves crashing around in her stomach—but rather ones that make Jinsol feel safe; a push-and-pull not unlike the way gentle waves move water further up the beach before pulling them back out into the ocean.

 

The girls pull away at the same time, on the same wavelength as they press their foreheads together.

 

Jungeun exhales shakily..

 

“Jinsol,” she says.

 

“Yeah?’ Jinsol replies.

 

Opening her eyes, she’s greeted by Jungeun’s gaze, and she’s taken aback at how much emotion she can see within the girl’s brown pupils. She’s never seen so much adoration in them, has never seen so much _love_ in them.

 

…

 

“You’re still my everything, too.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

 

—

 

 

_**were you scared of getting close?** _

 

 

—

 

 

 

 

 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


On Jungeun’s move-in day at college, Jinsol drives her there.

 

“I can just take the bus there, babe,” Jungeun sighs, watching Jinsol shove her suitcase into the backseat of her car.

 

“No,” Jinsol grunts, “I want to see the place where my baby’s going to be spending her days at.”

 

“It’s a two hour drive,” Jungeun states.

 

“I know,” Jinsol closes the door and turns to look at Jungeun, “your dad left it up to _me_ to make sure you arrived there safely, so I don’t want another complaint out of your mouth!”

 

“I wasn’t complaining,” Jungeun giggles, leaning forward to kiss Jinsol.

 

“It sure sounded like complaining,” Jinsol quirks an eyebrow.

 

“Oh, yeah?” Jungeun whispers against Jinsol’s lips, “What can I do to make you believe me?”

 

Jinsol pretends to think about it.

 

“Maybe a couple of more kisses…”

 

Jungeun laughs at her girlfriend’s antics, pressing kisses all over her face.

 

-

 

“Text me when you get back, okay?” Jungeun whispers sadly as she hugs Jinsol tightly.

 

“Of course,” Jinsol hums, kissing Jungeun’s temple, “and you text _me_ if you need anything.”

 

“I will,” Jungeun says. She leans back and stares up at Jinsol, “I love you.”

 

“I love you, too,” Jinsol smiles. She kisses Jungeun gently and pulls away because she knows that if she kisses Jungeun any longer, she wouldn’t be able to leave any time soon.

 

“I’ll text you,” Jungeun says as Jinsol detaches herself from her body, “I promise.”

 

“You promise?” Jinsol smiles, feeling the ache in her heart lighten.

 

“I _promise_ ,” Jungeun reaffirms, “I’m keeping my word this time.”

 

“You better,” Jinsol threatens playfully.

 

Jungeun smiles, and then hugs Jinsol quickly once more.

 

“Okay, drive safe,” she says quickly, “bye-bye.”

 

“Bye-bye,” Jinsol giggles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

—

 

 

**so yeah, i'm scared, but i won't let it get to me**

 

 

—

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**[J]: i know you’re a safe driver, so you won’t see this until you get home or get to a rest-stop, but i really really really really love you.**

 

**[J]: thank you for driving me today. thank you for everything. thank you for all the days you let me spend with you, they were my best days.**

 

**[J]: i know you disagree with me whenever i say this, but i really don’t deserve you. this WORLD doesn’t deserve you, jung jinsol.**

 

**[J]: graduating high school put a lot into perspective for me. and...**

 

**[J]: god… i wish i had the guts to say this to your face, but i’m working on it. so please, be patient with me (you always are, so i know i don’t have to ask)**

 

**[J]: my mom passing away wasn’t sudden. we all saw it coming, but that’s not the point. it still hurt like hell when she left. this is going to sound stupid but… i didn’t want the same thing to happen to you.**

 

**[J]: my entire world was just you and my parents. i lost one parent and i’ve been so scared to lose the other. it hurt losing my mom and i couldn’t imagine how much it’d hurt to lose you. my stupid middle school thought it’d be smart to let you go early on so it’d hurt less, but it didn’t. and in the process, i ended up hurting you, too**

 

**[J]: i know you’ve said you’ve forgiven me already, but i don’t think i’ll ever forgive myself for putting you through that. i made a promise to myself—a promise to you. and i know i’ve broken my promises before, but i won’t break this one.**

 

**[J]: the promise is to make you as happy as i possibly can for the rest of our life together. i know that just spending time with you makes me the happiest i can be, and i can only hope it’s the same for you. we’ve grown up together, jinsoul, and i want to continue to grow with you.**

 

**[J]: i have a lot to work on, but i promise to work on myself. i promise to become the best version of me so i can give you all of the love i’ve failed to give you over the years we hadn’t talked.**

 

**[J]: thank you. thank you for everything. you’ll always be my guardian angel.**

 

**[J]: and i hope one day, you’ll consider me as yours.**

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! please do let me know what you think! 
> 
> i've been rather busy with my high school graduation coming up real soon (next month!) and the realization that i'm in my last few days of actual high school has struck a certain chord within me. i'm being hit with a lot of nostalgia and i needed to release that somehow, so waking up at four am and writing for six hours is what i did!
> 
> twt: @sxft_aus  
> cc: @sxft_aus


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